so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
