omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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