How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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