you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
