So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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