I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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