I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
