I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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