I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize