I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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