Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
