I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
