Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
