I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
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I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
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You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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