I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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