i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My liver just had a heart attack.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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