Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
