I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
