The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So. Much. Porn.
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