Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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