hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
