sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
