im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
