the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
