im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
