just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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