You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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