I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
