I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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