I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I need to stop coming to work sober
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
