Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
my liver is dry heaving
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
