lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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