Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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