Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
