ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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