I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
