Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
