too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
