You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
