You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
