I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
