At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Drunk is not a location!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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