a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
