puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
