i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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