I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
