Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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