I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
