Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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