I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
