Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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