Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
