I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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