The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
