Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
