i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
