her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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