I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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