apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
