All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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