there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
