dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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