I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
