The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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