i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
