i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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